The Turtle Necks of Love Actually... And My Wardrobe

So, Christmas is coming, the goose is getting fat n all that jazz (and so am I for that matter.) And along with the obligatory selection boxes seen at literally no other time of the year, out from the wood work comes the classic bullshit rom-com with its misogynistic undertones, loosely tied in with a festive narrative to push sales... that I can't help but absolutely LOVE, it's 'Love, Actually'.

Last week as I dressed myself as an elf and paraded myself around the streets of Nottingham (struggling to see why I'm still single here) I somehow still failed to get a ticket for the last Ocean Wednesday of the year. So instead of joining the hoards in drinking jager bombs and getting off with strangers to celebrate the birth of our Lord Jesus Christ, I returned home to drown my sorrows in pasta and knock on every single one of my flatmates' doors until I could find someone willing enough to watch Love Actually with a tipsy girl claiming to be dressed as an elf (I was wearing a red t-shirt and some running shorts, make of that what you will.) I finally found my victim in the form of, if you can believe it, a Love Actually virgin, yes apparently they exist. A real life human being that has somehow managed to live their life unpolluted by everyone's favourite-worst christmas film. So that obviously had to change.

The great thing about watching a film as many times as everyone has watched Love Actually is that you start to notice the little things that you didn't originally. And as I was trying not to get angry about Alan Rickman cheating on Emma Thompson and Colin Firth falling in love with someone he'd never actually spoken to, I was struck by the sheer number of turtle necks in one film. A quick google search confirmed that there are in fact 22 turtle necks in the film. Of course bloody Buzzfeed has already done an article on it.

Don't get me wrong, I'm a turtle neck fan, and, thanks to the all year round shitty English weather, I don't have to keep my turtle neck wearing solely reserved for Christmas. I wear them all year, and perhaps slightly inappropriately to all occasions... I wore one on a night out recently and a male friend of mine kindly informed of how repelling the opposite sex apparently found them. I obviously wore the turtle neck anyway, man-repelling is my hobby, so no point quitting now. But even 22 turtle necks seemed like a lot to me. So I began to question why?? Yes, I may have had a mulled wine before watching the film that night so things did get a bit deep.

But I began to realise that what may have once foolishly been considered as a frivolous light-hearted film, Love Actually is in fact quite revolutionary. And Richard Curtis brought this masterpiece into our lives 12 years ago to challenge everyone's prejudices towards the underrated, stereotyped item of clothing that has so much more to offer us: The Turtle Neck.

Here we have, the pensive, moody turtle neck... didn't think that was a thing did ya??

What about this eh? Didn't know anyone could look fit in a turtle neck until Liam Neeson went and did it, did you?

Then Claudia Schiffer goes and wears one. And Still looks fit.

And who knew they even made turtle necks in this colour? See, they can be fun too!! Good product placement btw, Hertz.

But this is the one that proves without a doubt that they can be sexy. In fact, if you see someone in this, they're probably definitely going to shag your husband, so watch out.

And you think he's done it. Richard Curtis has only bloody gone and revolutionised the world of fashion. Making turtle necks versatile and appropriate for any occasion or person. But then why, why do I still feel the stigma of people saying they're unattractive just because I innocently want to wear one out? 

And this is why: 

Bloody Mark. Why did you have to go and ruin it for us all with this hideous creation. Thanks man, thanks a lot.

Photographs- All Pinterest