Wednesday, 28 October 2015

Confessions of a Makeup-phobe

It's official, I am afraid of makeup. Just the sight of a Debenhams beauty department is enough to bring me out in cold sweats. This phobia may be the result of a makeup related disaster aged 10 involving my cornea and a blue liquid eyeliner... But who knows really, I'm not a psychiatrist, maybe I was just born this way.

Either way, it's becoming a bigger issue in my life, it's not my refusal to wear more than mascara and enough concealer to cover the bags under my eyes that is the problem, but more the free time that my lack of involvement in makeup provides me with. Clearly to most people it would seem like more free time would only be a good thing, but alas they are wrong. This free time arrises most commonly before a night out- as well as my phobia of makeup I'm also pretty useless with hair, so once my outfit is decided it takes me approximately 15minutes to get ready. So these extra minutes to myself actually aren't all that useful, they just fill me with guilt as while they should probably used productively, I convince myself that nothing productive can be done after 7pm and instead lounge around eating chocolate whilst I wait for my friends to perfect their eyeshadow or something. Basically to summarise, my hatred for makeup is making me fat. 

Don't get me wrong I admire those who can do make up, I stare longingly at a perfected eye liner flick and am eternally jealous of my friends' collections of naked eye palettes, but I have already come to terms with the fact that I can't do make up, the harder I try, the worse I look so I have simply accepted defeat. I'm never going to have the holy letters MUA after my name and I'm just going to be ok with that. However, this also didn't stop my fascination with contouring this year. Seriously, what is contouring? From what I can gather it seems to be some sort of witchcraft allowing one to change the shape of their face. Apparently people's mastery of this skill is so high now that one man even sued his wife for 'false advertising' as she looked so different without make up. 

So maybe changing the shape of my face by some sort of optical illusion isn't the best way for me to find a boy willing to spend more than five minutes with me. Instead I like to set the standards low, let them know what they're in for from the start. Hey boys this is me, spots and all, it's not going to get better than this but it hopefully won't get a lot worse either! The other good thing with this technique is that when I do occasionally decide to put some glitter on my face or gloss on my lips or something, people think you look bloody great. It really is a win win for lazy people like me, and with all the money you save not buying make up you can afford to buy yourself a new dress, or a bottle of wine or something. See, I may suck at make up but really I'm a financial wizard.


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